infinite you, infinite me

 There has been clamoring amongst the scientists of the world that this universe is not the only universe, that there are as few as eleven but most likely an infinite amount of universes. This is not unlike the doors to the Borges' House of Asterion which number exactly seven and are also infinite. 

The wind was blowing yesterday and pulled, almost plucked, the flowers from the trees and in the afternoon light I was thinking of the infinite yous. And then of course, as I will always do, the infinite mes.

There is a universe where we do not meet. There is a universe where you do not leave the other boy from that other school. There is a universe where you do leave him but i lose the bet at the bowling alley. And another where you do, and i do, and we do, and it doesn't matter.  There are universes where our myriad of youthful conflicts result in a silence that follows us the rest of our lives. The universes of our pasts are mostly amusing and do not vex me. Like waves on the ocean the incongruent moments like vanishing white crests succumb to the totality of the sea, so to do all the possible not yous and not mes seem overwhelmed and insignificant in the face the inevitable us.

The universes of the now, or recently now, and those universes of the future are more perplexing to me. For they are not universes of just you and me. They are universes also of him. There are universes where you leave him and that conversation we had on the phone in the parking lot in Denver goes a very different way. There are universes where he knows everything. There are universes where he and i are friends. There are universes where he understands and others where he endures. There are endless universes where we fight, and die at each other's hands. There must be at least one universe where he and I share you, not begrudgingly but in a manner so contented that it is almost impossible to imagine.

These universes, wild as they would be to say aloud, are still universes grounded in fundamental realities of time and space. But i am sure there are universes where all the rules are different- some wonderous and some horrific. i believe there is a universe where there are no colours and our grey scale interactions unfold without end, we tumble from bed to floor, to tiled floor, through doors unto new beds, and again unto new floors, forever. It is an endless process of dragging finger nails and teeth markings and pulled hair. It is a universe made only of the singular memory of one specific hotel room that goes on and on forever. 

There are infinite universes where the baby lives. And i can't think of those universes for the sadness of knowing the babies that you won't have because of it.

Sometimes the universes of you calm me and other times they wreck me to the core. i do not know if i am happy or sad that it is this universe that I live in, the one where You are always to the west, forever on the horizon like the nearly setted sun.